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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow
has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck
you with.

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey,
how's it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his
head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas
and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have
flunked anyway; that's my point.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How
do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream,
but they don't know I'm using blanks.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on
walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come
sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've
never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling
lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking
of a monorail.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just
walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to

"Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one
that I didn't end up having to kill."

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies,
but just to hold them down until they can be removed?

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich!
But it turned out to be something different.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
they ever press charges.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be
called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we
should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and give it to him.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more
planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.


Sports Litter said...

Just wanted to say thanks for adding me to your blogroll, I'[ll be sure to add a link to your page on mine.

The Zoner said...

no prob. thanks for stopping by.