THE WISDOM OF STEVEN WRIGHT

THE WISDOM OF STEVEN WRIGHT

• I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  
• Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
  
• Half the people you know are below average.
  
• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so damn
  good.
  
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
  
• All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
  
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  
• How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  something.
  
• Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
  
• When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.
  
• Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  
• I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
  
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her?
  
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  
• My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
  horn louder."
  
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  
• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
  bread.
  
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
  research.
  
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
  it.
  
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
  
• The gene pool needs more chlorine.