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  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so damn
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
  • All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • OK, so what's the speed of dark?
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  • Depression is merely anger without the enthusiasm.
  • When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.
  • Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
  • I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy friends for her?
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
    horn louder."
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  • The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  • The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on
  • Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
  • The gene pool needs more chlorine.

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